Why We Keep Bullying Each Other (and What You Can Do About It)

By Sam Hillview-Close*

Most of us think of bullying as something you grow out of - like braces, collecting Pokémon cards, or the idea that you’ll ever understand your superannuation statement. But step into a workplace, a training academy, or even the local parent committee, and you’ll find it alive and well.

There’s the apprentice mechanic who gets his lunch “accidentally” knocked to the floor every week. The police cadet whose senior officer shouts at her for sport. The junior nurse who’s given the worst shifts and told to “toughen up.” Even the military, where discipline is the brand, has had public scandals about recruits being hazed in ways that look less like training and more like psychological warfare. And yes, it happens in the corner office too. Executive-level bullying can be subtle, dressed up as “performance management” or “leadership style,” but it’s just as corrosive.

Bullying, it turns out, doesn’t graduate with us. It simply puts on a tie, a badge, or a uniform.

The Psychology of a Bully

Psychologists don’t all agree on one neat definition of adult bullying, but the key traits are pretty consistent - repeated unwanted harmful behaviour, a power imbalance, and the target being unable to defend themselves effectively.

Why do people do it? Research suggests a few motives:

• Power and dominance: Studies in workplace psychology show that bullying can be a way for insecure people to maintain control. If you can’t win respect through skill or kindness, fear is a quick, if ugly, substitute.
• Group bonding: In some environments, hazing is framed as “tradition” or “initiation,” creating an in-group by excluding or humiliating outsiders. It’s social glue… made of vinegar.
• Projection of insecurity: A boss who feels threatened by a junior’s competence might nitpick, undermine, or publicly criticise. It’s less about you and more about their fragile ego.

And the uncomfortable truth is that sometimes bullying is rewarded. If a toxic manager delivers results, the behaviour can be ignored or even encouraged by higher-ups. That’s how cultures of bullying survive for years.

Real-Life Stories (Names Changed)

• Tara, the Junior Architect: Whenever Tara presented ideas at design meetings, her supervisor would interrupt with, “We’ll let the real architects talk now.” Over months, she stopped contributing altogether, even though clients had previously praised her concepts.
• Raj, the IT Support Officer: Raj’s manager set unrealistic deadlines, then publicly humiliated him when tasks weren’t finished “fast enough.” When Raj asked for more resources, the manager replied, “Figure it out - this is why you’re not leadership material.”
• Sophie, the Aged Care Worker: Sophie was assigned heavier workloads than her peers, and any complaint was met with, “If you can’t handle it, maybe you’re in the wrong career.” Her physical health began to decline under the strain.
• Michael, the Executive Director: Michael’s Chief Executive excluded him from key discussions, then criticised him for being “out of the loop.” It wasn’t accidental - internal emails later revealed it was a deliberate attempt to push him out without a formal dismissal.

When the Bullied Become Bullies

It’s an old saying: hurt people hurt people. Sadly, there’s psychology behind it. Some who’ve been bullied adopt the same behaviours when they gain power, especially in industries where abuse is framed as “the way things are done.”

Two common patterns show up:

1. Learned Norms: If your early career was marked by humiliation, you may internalise it as the “normal” way to treat newcomers. In some workplaces, people even see it as a rite of passage - “I copped it, so now it’s your turn.”

2. Revenge by Proxy: For others, bullying becomes a way to rewrite the past, subconsciously taking out old anger and helplessness on someone else now that they have the upper hand.

This is why intervention and cultural change matter. Without them, bullying doesn’t just persist, it reproduces itself in each new generation of leaders.

Why Stopping Bullying at Work Is Harder Than It Should Be

If you think workplace bullying is rare, here’s a sobering fact - in severe forms, it affects up to 15% of workers worldwide. And it’s not just the occasional sarcastic comment or awkward team meeting; this is repeated aggression and exclusion over time, where the target feels powerless to stop it. It’s the boss who freezes you out of key emails, the colleague who undermines you in front of clients, the “jokes” that feel more like poorly-disguised personal attacks.

The human cost is huge. People on the receiving end have higher risks of anxiety, depression, physical health problems, PTSD symptoms, and even being forced out of their careers. The organisational cost? Productivity loss, damaged reputation, and a very expensive recruitment bill when good people walk.

So why is it so hard to fix? Researchers say most workplace “anti-bullying” programs don’t actually target bullying. They focus on broad culture shifts like “civility” or “respect”, which can be great for stopping low-level rudeness but don’t do much when someone is being relentlessly victimised.

What does help?

• Naming the behaviours: Being crystal clear on what’s acceptable and what isn’t - vague values statements don’t cut it.
• Acting early: Bullying often starts as mild incivility and ramps up over time. Early intervention is key.
• Mobilising bystanders: Colleagues who speak up or offer support can stop a situation from escalating. Silence, on the other hand, is the bully’s best friend.

The problem isn’t just the “what”, it’s the “how.” Even good ideas fail if they’re rolled out in the wrong way, at the wrong time, or without buy-in from the people who need to make them work. And the problem is that there’s still very little high-quality research proving what works best, resulting in too many interventions that are like giving a band-aid to someone with a broken leg - well-intentioned, but nowhere near enough.

What You Can Do If You’re Being Bullied

1. Document Everything

Keep a record of incidents - dates, times, witnesses, and what was said or done. It’s not petty; it’s evidence. Without it, complaints often go nowhere.

2. Know the Policies

Most workplaces, unions, or training institutions have anti-bullying policies. Familiarise yourself with them so you can use their own rules to protect yourself.

3. Build Allies

Isolation makes bullying worse. Find supportive colleagues, mentors, or external networks. Even one ally can make a huge difference in your resilience.

4. Call It What It Is

If it’s safe, name the behaviour in the moment - “That’s not acceptable,” or “Please speak to me respectfully.” Bullies often thrive in silence; even brief pushback can disrupt their rhythm.

5. Seek Outside Help

If internal channels fail, agencies like workplace safety regulators, unions, or legal advocates can intervene. Bullying isn’t just “part of the job” - it’s a recognised occupational hazard in many countries.

The Bigger Picture

We often treat bullying as a personal problem between two people. But like mould, it thrives in the right environment. If the culture tolerates cruelty in the name of “banter” or “toughening people up,” then individuals are left to fend for themselves.

The real fix? Organisations need leaders who reward collaboration over intimidation, who see respect not as a “nice to have” but as part of performance. Until then, the rest of us need to name bullying when we see it - because the one thing it can’t survive is daylight.

If you’ve ever been bullied, whether in a schoolyard, a workshop, or a boardroom, you know it leaves marks you can’t see. But recognising the pattern, and calling it out, is the first step toward breaking it.

Because the truth is, bullying isn’t a phase. It’s a habit. And habits can be changed, especially when the rest of us refuse to play along.

* Sam Hillview-Close is a former business executive, public health administrator, Board member, writer and blogger. Sam is also a proud neurodivergent individual.