Understanding Grief: There’s No ‘Right’ Way to Mourn

by Sam Hillview-Close*

Grief is one of those profound experiences that most people encounter at some point in their lives. It’s universal, yet intensely personal. When we lose someone or something meaningful - whether a loved one, a relationship, a job, or even a way of life - our hearts respond in ways that are often confusing, unpredictable, and deeply individual.

And here’s something important to remember: there is no “right” way to grieve.

Grief Looks Different for Everyone

Many people expect grief to look like crying all day or feeling sad and withdrawn. But the reality is that grief is far more complex and varied. It can appear as anger, guilt, frustration, confusion, numbness, or even relief. Some people find moments of laughter or joy in the midst of their mourning, while others feel completely overwhelmed by sorrow.

Grief can be like a storm - fierce, relentless, and all-consuming - or like a slow, persistent drizzle. And it often doesn’t follow a clear pattern. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious; other times, it’s quiet and subtle, lurking beneath the surface.

All of these reactions are part of the grieving process. There’s no “normal” way your feelings should look or behave.

There’s No Timetable for Grief

You might hear people say, “It’s time to move on,” or “You should be over it by now,” but grief doesn’t work like a clock. Some people process grief in weeks or months, while others carry it for years. Some days will feel manageable; others will feel unbearable. And that’s okay.

It’s a common misconception that grief needs to be “completed” or “finished” by a certain point. In truth, grief changes shape and form over time. It can soften but doesn’t simply disappear.

It’s more like learning to live alongside your loss rather than putting it behind you.

You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone

Grief can be incredibly isolating. You may feel like no one else really understands what you’re going through. But reaching out to others - whether friends, family, support groups, or mental health professionals - can help.

Talking about your feelings, sharing memories, or simply having someone listen without judgement can be healing. Sometimes just knowing that someone “gets it” makes the heaviest days a little lighter.

Professional support from a psychologist can provide tools to help you cope, process emotions, and rebuild a sense of balance when grief feels overwhelming.

It’s Okay to Feel Conflicted

Sometimes grief brings feelings we didn’t expect - relief after a long illness, guilt about moving forward, or even moments of happiness. These feelings can be confusing or make us feel like we’re “doing grief wrong.” But these complex emotions are all part of the process.

Grief isn’t just about sadness; it’s about love, loss, and learning how to carry both in your heart.

Finding Meaning and Comfort in Your Own Way

Everyone finds different ways to honour their grief. Some find solace in rituals - lighting candles, creating memory boxes, visiting special places, or writing letters to those they’ve lost. Others find comfort in creative expression like art, music, or journaling.

Routine and self-care can also offer a grounding force during turbulent times. Simple acts like taking a walk, eating well, or allowing yourself to rest aren’t small things - they’re vital acts of kindness towards yourself.

The most important thing is to allow yourself to grieve in the way that feels right for you. There’s no need to compare your journey to anyone else’s.

Compassion and Patience for Yourself

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and deeply human. It can challenge us, change us, and teach us about resilience and the depth of our own hearts.

If you’re grieving, be gentle with yourself. There’s no timeline or rulebook. Allow yourself to feel whatever arises - without judgement or pressure.

And remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You don’t have to carry your grief alone.

Life after loss is different, yes - but with time, compassion, and support, it’s possible to find moments of peace, hope, and even joy again.

* Sam Hillview-Close is a former business executive, public health administrator, Board member, writer and blogger. Sam is also a proud neurodivergent individual.