R U OK? Day: What If They’re Not?

By Sam Hillview-Close*

R U OK? Day rolls around again on 11 September 2025, and with it comes the familiar yellow badge, the coffee-fuelled good intentions, and that one question we’re all encouraged to ask: “Are you OK?”

Most of us do it with genuine care. We want to be decent humans, to show up for our friends, colleagues, and loved ones. But if we’re honest, we’re also quietly hoping the answer is a simple, reassuring “Yes.” A “yes” that lets us smile, nod, and carry on with the day. 

Because the alternative - that someone might actually not be OK - is daunting. What if they open up? What if they cry? What if you don’t know what to say next? And now we’re standing there, mouth suddenly dry, wondering why we didn’t just offer them a biscuit and keep things surface level.

This blog is about what happens after you ask. What to do when someone says “yes” but you can tell they mean “not really”. What to say when they admit they’re not OK. And why, as mental health advocate and author Brené Brown puts it, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”

This year, don’t just ask the question. Be ready to stay for the answer.

If They Say “Yes” (But You’re Not Convinced)

Let’s face it - some of us could be bleeding from the eyeballs and still say we’re “fine”. We’re masters of deflection; according to Beyond Blue, over 60% of Australians with symptoms of mental health conditions don’t seek help, often due to stigma, embarrassment, or not wanting to burden others. So if their “yes” doesn’t quite sit right, try digging a little deeper - with gentleness, not force.

Consider trying:

• - “You just seem a bit off lately - what’s been going on?”
• - “You don’t have to tell me everything, but if you ever want to, I’m here.”
• - “OK, but you know I’ve got a sixth sense for this stuff, right?”

You don’t have to drag feelings out of them like a bad dentist. You just need to leave the door open. The R U OK? Foundation puts it like this: "A conversation could change a life” - it's not about having the answers, but about being willing to listen.

If They Say “No”

This is where it gets real. If someone actually admits they’re not OK, take a moment. That’s huge. It means they trust you. It also means they’re vulnerable. That moment deserves care.

What not to do:

• - Panic.
• - Start throwing solutions at them like a motivational speaker on Red Bull.
• - Say “I know exactly how you feel” - unless you truly, specifically do.

What you might do instead:

Listen. And then listen some more. Research from the Black Dog Institute shows that feeling heard and validated significantly lowers psychological distress.

Say things like:

• - “Thanks for telling me.”
• - “That sounds really tough.”
• - “I’m glad you said something.”

Ask:

• - “How long have you been feeling this way?”
• - “Have you been able to talk to anyone else about this?”
• - “What would help right now?”

If You Don’t Know What to Say

That’s OK. Honestly, most of us don’t. What matters is showing up. Being human. Being present. You don’t need a psychology degree - you just need a heart and a bit of courage. As Lifeline puts it, “You don’t have to be a professional to support someone. Being there and showing you care can make a difference.”

You could try:

• - “I’m not sure what to say, but I’m really glad you told me.”
• - “This matters. You matter. Let’s work out what we can do next.”

And then help them connect with the right support. That might be a GP, a psychologist, a helpline, or just someone they trust. If you’re not sure where to start, there are resources at ruok.org.au to help guide the next step.

One More Thing

It’s not your job to carry someone else’s pain on your shoulders. But it is your job - on R U OK? Day and every other day - to notice, to care, and to ask.

And when you ask, really mean it.

Because sometimes, just knowing someone is truly willing to listen… that’s the moment things begin to change.

PS: If you’re not OK yourself - don’t just sit in it. Talk to someone. That badge you’re wearing? It applies to you too.

* Sam Hillview-Close is a former business executive, public health administrator, Board member, writer and blogger. Sam is also a proud neurodivergent individual.