You Matter More Than You Think: Why Self-Esteem Actually Counts

By Sam Hillview-Close*

Let’s get one thing straight - believing in yourself isn’t just a feel-good mantra reserved for Pinterest quotes and motivational mugs. It’s science. Real, peer-reviewed, long-term, data-backed science.

For years, you’ve probably heard mixed messages about self-esteem. Some say it’s vital; others warn it’ll turn you into a narcissist with a podcast and no friends. But research says your self-esteem really does make a difference. Not just now, but across your whole life.

Self-Esteem - Not Just for Teen Dramas

You might think of self-esteem as something teenagers deal with while navigating acne and algebra. But it turns out, it keeps showing up long after high school. People with healthy self-esteem tend to do better in their careers, their relationships, their mental health, and even their physical health.

And no, we’re not talking about delusions of grandeur or toxic positivity. We’re talking about self-respect. The quiet kind. The kind where you look in the mirror and think, I’m not perfect, but I’m okay. I’m enough.

It’s a Long Game

The big news is that the benefits of self-esteem don’t just give you a boost in the moment. They add up. According to the research conducted by the University of California, Davis, and the University of Bern, even small effects from having higher self-esteem can snowball over time. A bit more confidence leads to better decisions. Better decisions lead to better outcomes. Repeat that for 30 years, and suddenly, you’re living a different life.

So no, that tiny moment of self-assurance before a job interview or a tough conversation isn’t wasted. It’s an investment. And the compound interest is pretty great.

Self-Esteem ≠ Narcissism

Let’s clear up a common confusion. High self-esteem does not mean you think you’re better than everyone else or expect the world to roll out a red carpet. That’s narcissism - and according to the same research, narcissism actually makes relationships harder, not easier.

Self-esteem, on the other hand, is grounded. It’s the inner voice that says, “I have value,” not, “I deserve more than you.” One helps you connect. The other gets you blocked.

Building It - Real Self-Esteem, No Pep Talks Required

Forget the glittery slogans and forced affirmations. Building self-esteem isn’t about pretending to love yourself loudly - it’s about respecting yourself consistently. 

You don’t have to wake up tomorrow bursting with confidence and doing power poses in the mirror. In fact, that’s not how real self-esteem works. It's built gradually - through habits, choices, and the way you speak to yourself when no one’s listening.

Here’s some ideas on how you might start:

Notice your inner critic. You know the one. It pops up when you mess up or feel awkward. Instead of taking it as truth, ask yourself: Would I speak to a friend like this? If not, it might be time to change the script.

Keep promises to yourself. If you say you’ll take a walk, send the email, or go to bed earlier - follow through. Each small act of follow-through teaches your brain: I’m reliable. I’ve got my own back.

Celebrate small wins. No achievement is too minor. Got out of bed on a rough day? Win. Sent that uncomfortable email? Win. These moments matter.

Do things that align with your values. When your actions reflect what matters to you, whether that’s kindness, creativity, curiosity, or calm, your self-respect grows. You’re not just floating through life; you’re showing up on purpose.

Surround yourself with people who reflect the best in you. Your self-view is shaped, in part, by the company you keep. If you’re constantly around critics or energy-vampires, it’s hard to feel like you’re enough. Choose people who see your worth - even when you forget it.

Set boundaries. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re rude or selfish - it means you’re prioritising your energy. And people who respect themselves tend to be more respected by others.

Let go of perfection. Confidence isn’t the absence of mistakes; it’s the ability to see them as part of the process. Remind yourself: I can mess up and still be a good, capable person.

Ask for what you need. Whether it’s more space, more rest, or more support, self-esteem includes advocating for yourself. It’s not entitlement. It’s self-awareness in action.

You Don’t Need to Earn Your Worth

This might be the most radical idea of all - you don’t have to overwork, over-give, or over-apologise just to feel like you’re “enough.” You already are.

And when you begin to believe that, just a little, just enough to keep going, you give yourself a solid foundation for everything else. For healthier relationships. For better decisions. For a life that feels more aligned and less performative.

That’s the power of self-esteem. Not as a buzzword, but as a quiet, steady belief in your own worth.

* Sam Hillview-Close is a former business executive, public health administrator, Board member, writer and blogger. Sam is also a proud neurodivergent individual.